Joni's Introduction

photo: Me in Paris, Winter 2009

1. What has been your favorite course of study in or out of school? Why?

My favorite course of study in school have been my studio art classes, because they push me to think in ways I don't ordinarily think. Despite my love for creating art and studying art, I can be over-analytical and art forces me to relax and do what feels right for my work.

2. How many pages was the longest paper you have written? Did it include endnotes and bibliography?

The longest paper I have ever written was a short story I wrote a long time ago that was about 20 pages long. My longest research paper was something around 10 pages without bibliography or endnotes included.

3. Which was your favorite paper? Please tell us about the topic in a couple of sentences.

My favorite paper has yet to be written. I'm never fully satisfied with anything I write. However, I researched Japanese artist Hiroshi Senju last year for a short paper in a studio class and enjoyed it so much because his work is very inspiring to me.

4. Is there a particular kind of writing you love to do?

I love creative writing- I'm scared to do it though. I feel like I need to do more living before I write meaningfully-however I write for my own self-satisfaction on almost a daily basis

5. Which books have you read lately: art, fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, poetry, environmental, film? Any comments are welcome.

I adore fiction, particularly American Literature. John Steinbeck's work is my favorite and I'm currently reading his collection of short stories, "The Long Valley". It reads like poetry.

6. Which artist or writer really impresses you? Why?

As I previously mentioned, Hiroshi Senju. http://www.hiroshisenju.com/ Painting is one of my favorite mediums because I feel like it takes technical skill as well as creativity, and there are so many ways to do it. Another favorite it Mark Rothko.

7. What is your main interest besides writing, art, music, (i.e., the humanities)?

My main interest besides the humanities is swimming. I'm in the water at least 5 days a week.

8. Please describe briefly an article in a newspaper or a magazine that got you thinking lately.

I read an article in Newsweek about the attraction that American society has to the past as an idyllic time- the article was particularly about the "Amish way of life" and how it is a cultural phenomenon to long for a "simpler" time. This got me thinking because it's a good point, and yet at the same time there's no going back, of course- the future is all we have.

9. Which recent cultural event has really impressed you? This can be a museum, a concert, or anything like that, but also a sports game (if you consider this a cultural event, for which there are good reasons).

I recently attended a one-woman play that was part of the Boulder International Fringe Festival, and it was an impressive and though provoking piece about the stereotypical femininity and the biblical story of adam and eve, and how culture perceives women via that story.

10. Is there another, non-cultural event that has affected you deeply.

I feel affected deeply on a daily basis which sometimes feels like a gift and other times a curse.

11. Please share with us a thought or an idea that really widened your intellectual horizon. If possible, give a source for this idea so that those who are interested know where to go.

It may be cliche, but existentialism has widened my intellectual horizon a lot, and recently. Modern philosophy as well as victorian philosophy is a subject I am wrapped up in- ideas about what actually matters, if anything, if our decisions make any kind of difference, what the world is coming to, etc. There are all sorts of sources for this, including the works of Sarte, Slavoj Zizek, Thoreau, etc.

My Life

What has been your favorite course of study in or out of school? Why?

I love to study new directions to art processes. In school I have taken a couple of painting and photo classes that have taught me some different approaches and techniques to making work. I find these kinds of classes very stimulating invigorating.

How many pages was the longest paper you have written? Did it include endnotes and bibliography?

I wrote a 15 page history paper my freshmen year of college but I am having trouble remembering the content. It had a bibliography but that wasn’t included in the 15 pages.

Which was your favorite paper? Please tell us about the topic in a couple of sentences.

My favorite paper was an essay about Picasso and his mistress, Marie Therese Walter. The paper touched on their personal life as well as how she was depicted in his paintings during their time together.

Is there a particular kind of writing you love to do?

I like to write about contemporary art because I feel that it helps me to organize my true thoughts about the particular piece or artist, which then helps me to understand it better.

Which books have you read lately: art, fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, poetry, environmental, film? Any comments are welcome.

I just finished reading “Skinny Legs and All” by Tom Robins. It was amazing, as are all of Tom Robbins’ books.

Which artist or writer really impresses you? Why?

An artist that really impresses me is Janine Antoni. She makes everyday activities such as bathing or eating into pieces of art, and also uses her own body in her work. I find her profound attention to actual processes in her work to be very intriguing.

What is your main interest besides writing, art, music, (i.e., the humanities)?

I am very interested in yoga and meditation

Please describe briefly an article in a newspaper or a magazine that got you thinking lately.

I read an article about the rescue, catch, and release of a penguin on the coast of New Zealand that has been set free to make his way back to Antarctica. They put a tracking device on him so that he can be followed via the Internet. I think it is really amazing how technology can give access to something so exotic as this.

Which recent cultural event has really impressed you? This can be a museum, a concert, or anything like that, but also a sports game (if you consider this a cultural event, for which there are good reasons).

I went to the New York City Ballet a month or so ago and was very impressed by the whole experience. I used to be a dancer and so watching ballet can be quite moving for me. The elegance and

class of the theatre and the crowd, on top of the gracefulness of the dancers was spectacular

Please share with us a thought or an idea that really widened your intellectual horizon. If possible, give a source for this idea so that those who are interested know where to go.

I was very inspired by an artist, Jonathan Harris, who created a website that pulls phrases from millions of webblogs and categorizes them into different archives. It searches for phrases that begin with “I feel” or “I am feeling” and then sorts them out based on where and who they are coming from. http://www.wefeelfine.org/

From Chaos come Clarity

You can’t change what something is without changing what it was. This is a concept that is constantly playing through my mind on repeat. For the past few years, I have been greatly affected, almost to the point of obsessed with the thought that my every action, every word, and every encounter may inevitably be a changing point in the course of my life. From the simplest accidents like forgetting my keys or deciding to make coffee before I leave for the day, to bigger decisions such as what classes to take or where to travel, I seem to be constantly looking for the reasons of why my life takes me on the paths that it does. I suppose this could be a way of arguing with the notion of a predestined existence. Because of this “obsession”, I sometimes feel as though I am being to overly analytical of what should essentially be routine, or thoughtless acts.

My infatuation with this topic became the most prevalent after a meaningless accident changed the entire course my young life. I was a very reckless teenager and for years lived with the assumption that I was invincible. I went from being a bright, creative, very artistic girl to a selfish troublemaker, consumed with desire to destruct. I got into trouble on a daily basis, and my friends were not what you would consider well-rounded, or good influences, to say the least. I was headed down a pretty dark road and many of my loved ones had, for the most part, given up on me. Nothing outside of my toxic, self-destructive lifestyle existed, and even the creative, artistic side of me was slowly beginning to disappear.

Then one summer, my entire world flipped upside down in a matter of seconds. My parents were having a Fourth of July party at their lake house and had a giant waterslide built for the festivities. In my intoxicated stupor, I went down the slide head first, plunging into a shallow lake and broke my neck, leaving me completely paralyzed from the shoulders down. I was immediately life flighted to the nearest city, but there was so much damage to my spine and vertebrae that the doctors were unsure if there was anything they could do to save me. After an eleven-hour surgery, my prognosis was very grim, if I made it through the night, I was given about a 10% chance of ever walking, or moving again. For the first two months, there were little signs of hope. I just laid there in my motionless body, contemplating my life’s choices and begging for a second chance. I found myself not missing the parties or the drugs or even my friends, but more I just missed the freedom to express myself, and the ability to create. I came to the conclusion that if this wouldn’t have happened I would have been an artist, but it seemed merely a dream at that point. Then miraculously one day, the nerves in my legs began to stir, and like wildfire, moved up my body to my arms, and eventually my hands. For the next six months, I would spend my days in a rehabilitation center learning everything from scratch. I had to teach my muscles how to support my body, my hands how to hold objects, and my legs how to walk. It was the most physical work I had ever put myself through.

Because of my experience being paralyzed I began to live my life very differently. My priorities changed, I was able to recognize what was deemed important and what would inevitably lead me back to my destructive tendencies. I strongly believe that if I wouldn’t have been faced with the possibility of losing my independence and ability to create, I may have slowly lost it anyway, and at my own will.

This was when I began to question my everyday activities. The possibility of something so small and thoughtless changing the course of my life or someone else’s horrifies me, excites me, and more than anything torments me. I find it hard to make decisions and constantly find myself reflecting and reacting on “what if” situations. I have also become exceedingly influenced with the ideas and research based in and around the chaos theory or “butterfly effect”. I have even used this research to try to understand the cause and affect of my ancestors’ decisions that would bring me into existence in the first place, which has been a major stepping-stone towards some of my most successful artistic endeavors.

I think that the hardships that I have endured in my life have come full circle, and this pattern never ends. If I had never been a reckless teenager, I wouldn’t have thought it a good idea to plunge head first down a waterslide. If I wouldn’t have had six months to contemplate my life, I may not have discovered the importance of living a creative life. Now, my work is prominently based around the epiphanies I came to while my life was put on hold. I am absolutely positive that this pattern will continue throughout my life as well, as long as I don’t drive myself to insanity in the midst of it.

Intro to my Life

1. What has been your favorite course of study in or out of school? Why?

My favorite course of study here at CU has to be the Painting and Alternative Process/Material class. I have never felt so free to do something so unique. Most classes I have taken usually have set outlines and guide you to a firm ending point, but in this class there are no limits as to what you may break into. It inspires optimum creativity and allows for greater potential than any course I have ever been a part of.

2. How many pages was the longest paper you have written? Did it include endnotes and bibliography?

I wrote a 13 page research paper for graduation senior year of high school. In order to graduate every senior was required to complete this assignment. It did not have endnotes but had sufficient amount of sources for a bibliography as they are required in most research papers.

3. Which was your favorite paper? Please tell us about the topic in a couple of sentences.

My favorite paper I have written was an intellectual dissection of my mind and how it works. At first the project seemed impossible for me to attempt as the topic is very vague, but believe it or not the more you think about it the more you begin to pick up on little tendencies as to how your mind functions.

4. Is there a particular kind of writing you love to do?

I particularly have grown very fond of stream of consciousness. Not only is it very intriguing but it allows for the reader to keep up with you at a steady pace and never become to overwhelmed by the work in front of them. It also serves as a wonderful way for me to process my ideas more efficiently.

5. Which books have you read lately: art, fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, poetry, environmental, film? Any comments are welcome.

I dont really make enough time for myself to pursue reading as I would like to but when I get the chance I enjoy reading the bible. I have always been religious growing up and it has served as a large learning tool in my daily life. Not only am I able to pick up on ways to make my life better but several of the stories are fascinating to me also.

6. Which artist or writer really impresses you? Why?

I find Walt Disney to be one of my favorite artists to ever walk this earth. Its pretty self explainable, but the main reason I feel this way is due to the amount of inspiration he creates in every person who has had the opportunity to experience the happiness he brings to the world. Sometimes I feel as if Disney is what makes the world go around.

7. What is your main interest besides writing, art, music, (i.e., the humanities)?

I have always been attached to art and music all my life, but one thing that continues to amaze me is psychology. The brain is an unbelievable machine and the power it has to control people blows my mind.

8. Please describe briefly an article in a newspaper or a magazine that got you thinking lately.

I am drawn to several of the WTF articles in the Colorado Daily. For instance, one I read a while back spoke of a family finding their lost dog after several months of looking, only the dog was found halfway across the US. 1600 miles away and 3 months later the dog is still alive- CRAZY!!!

9. Which recent cultural event has really impressed you? This can be a museum, a concert, or anything like that, but also a sports game (if you consider this a cultural event, for which there are good reasons).

I live near Red Rocks and many times over the summer I am not able to attend concerts due to my insufficient funds, but I thoroughly enjoy just hanging out in a chill spot and watching the lights creep across the rocks while thousands of people just jam out for hours upon end.

10. Is there another, non-cultural event that has affected you deeply.

Death. It always shocks us as humans to have to let go of others whether it be loved ones, or just somebody that we knew. For me I find myself coping with it in very odd ways.

11. Please share with us a thought or an idea that really widened your intellectual horizon. If possible, give a source for this idea so that those who are interested know where to go.

I read the book Into the Wild, and since then I will forever have a totally new outlook on life.

Control is a Fairytale from My Past (Assignment 1-Ruvini DeFonseka)

After she tells me, she hands my mom a Kleenex. Where’s my Kleenex? Hello! Is that even ethical? I exist too. Just because I’m not showing dynamic emotions doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out here. I’m pretty sure sitting frozen is a sign of shock or something. Stop helping the extrovert and help the introvert because I won’t ask for help myself. Between my mom’s staggered breath and whimpering tears I can hear them taking turns discussing my situation. What if I don’t have what they say I have? I mean people get diagnosed wrong everyday. I couldn’t have just got a random disease. I’ve never even heard of it. It doesn’t even run in our family. This has to be a mistake. My band had mono last week; maybe that’s it. I mean I was normal three months ago. I just went to a check up once a year so I could play school sports. I’m a burden and I don’t want to be. I’m independent by nature. I can’t just start asking people for help and special treatment. Will I be required to sign up for disability services? That would be weird. What would other people think? Do I tell people or should I hide it from people? Will people who don’t know me start caring out of obligation rather than their own willingness? How am I going to pay for medical bills? I don’t have a job. No one is going to hire someone who has this many medical bills.

I don’t want to be here. I could plan my escape from the room, from my diagnosis, from life. I want to speak, but saying thank you for my diagnosis is a lie. I don’t want to ask questions because I’ve already done the research, I already know. So I just sit, I don’t want the medical answers. I just need someone close to talk to about what’s going to happen with my plans, with my family, with college, with side effects, with my extracurricular activities. I had my life planned out. Breathe. I guess I was too in control. I knew where I wanted to go to college, what classes I was taking, what career I wanted. Who can I talk to though? I can’t talk to my mom because she clearly can’t handle the situation without making me more upset, my brother’s too young, my dad’s in another state. I just need my best friend to external process about all of this. Wait, she’s Christian Science, she doesn’t believe in chronic diseases. I’m alone.

Breathe. It could be worse…right? What if today hadn’t happened? What if the last three months disappeared? I want calm, but control is a fairytale that exists only in the past. Why can’t I go back? Is it my fault? Did God do this to me? If I had changed something, could I have prevented it? Why me?

My skin emits an uncomfortable humidity that fights the daydream. The crisp air gushing out of the overpowered air-conditioner turns stale and hot, suffocating me on the outside, while fear burns inside me. The painful emptiness in my gut rises towards my throat as an acidic spurt. The sudden metallic liquid that splatters my tongue makes me aware of the room. I float in my rigid chair. I look down at my fidgeting feet, so swollen the veins are engulfed in fragile skin. My heartbeat crescendos. I’m overwhelmed. I’m hyperventilating in my mind and possibly in my chest. This is too much; too much information, too much crying, and too much restriction. Too much out of my control.

I sit frozen in the generic room that changed my life. A few minutes before my medical records categorized me as normal. Now I’m a case study, a test subject, someone with interesting symptoms that people want to learn about medically, but not know about personally. Oh, how I crave feeling normal. I want to live out my dreams without restrictions, but I can’t. Doctors. Medications. Symptoms. TB. HIV. Everything and anything is now a potential risk for me.

The words that were spoken by the doctor in those eighteen minutes consumed my identity. I am my disease. My dreams have been crushed, my bank has been emptied, and my physical appearance is changing. Can happiness even exist for me?

An Overwhelming Worry ~ Siobhan

         My sister Kobi makes a post on Facebook, something about going to a happy hour, inviting friends to join her. Then my mom comments " I want to come." Anyone outside our family would brush it off as a fun loving family. I look at it and have to close the window I had Facebook open in. It's not that I have finally decided to do homework, that typically doesn't happen and it doesn't have anything to do with my relationship to my sister, it's my Mothers relationship with alcohol. The simple reference to a happy hour brings me out of my socializing and reminds me of one worry that I constantly have.

            It hasn't been a concern of mine forever, but her alcoholism I assume has been around forever. It just wasn't as bad or apparent to me until the last few years. Maybe it got worse, maybe coming home to the problem makes it more apparent or maybe I'm just finally old enough to realize what is really happening. It's not that I have a problem with drinking either, I go out on the weekends. The problem comes from how often and how much she consumes.

            This one simple Facebook comment has gotten me into a deep thought. So many events in the past could be attributed to her drinking. That time she tripped in her bedroom and busted her head open. I fall over a lot when I am staggering drunk too. Every single fight in high school, maybe I was a little bit of a snotty teen, but when you are arguing with a drunk person, it's nearly impossible to resolve it. Or how about every time she fell asleep before dinner? After high school, I'd come back and notice it. I'd walk into the kitchen and see her diving into her secret stash of alcohol, trying to hide it from my Dad.

            Eventually I had to say something, I was the only person in my family abrasive enough to actually deal with anything. The first talk went horribly she cried said I was mean and went to bed. Not surprising at all. I simply had to remove myself from the issue, I couldn't fight with her every night and see how sad it made my Dad. So for this summer I went back to Glenwood but didn't live at home.

            "It's silly for you to be paying rent when you have a perfectly good bed here. I just don't get why you aren't living at home." She said one day.

            "Don't worry about it." I replied, trying to avoid conflict.

            "No tell me Siobhan," She pried.

            "Fine, I don't want to be around your drinking. We fight too much every night and it really worries me."

            "I'm sorry you feel that way," She snapped and walked away.

            Ideally that would have been the end of the conversation for the entire summer. I went home for a few days and went to take a shower. Naturally I needed a towel under the sink, where we store them. Apparently my mom was storing more than towels under there now. There were three empty bottles of whiskey hidden under there. Needless to say, there was a large argument to follow. She claimed she was embarrassed and I told her that if she kept it up she was going to lose her family and friends. Finally she asked me to keep the discovery to myself and to lie to my father. Nothing was resolved and I fear that nothing will ever be resolved. You cannot force someone to get help if they do not want it.

            This habit of hers hurts the whole family. It's the reason I can't call home after 5pm and it's partially the reason for my dads depression and the reason my sister doesn't come home. Now sitting here trying to do homework I'm consumed by the thoughts of going to a friends house for thanksgiving and how I'm not going to spend a large period of time at home again. It's heartbreaking really but it's life and something I think about daily. Something I deal with daily, feeling like I'm abandoning my family for not helping and feeling helpless in general.

            Interrupting me from my thoughts my computer gives me the I'm dying sound and I have to go get my charger, walking away from the way from the post but not the issue. 

Writing In my Life -Francis Lill

When it comes to writing, the subject always chooses its’ speaker. For example, on this very assignment I chose and analyzed every other prompt before “Writing in your life,” chose me. I was bouncing from topic to topic, and discarded each one due to anxiety of what they would reveal about me. The unease I felt about revealing myself in writing seemed the most important topic at the time. So I decided to recreate the experience of writing this assignment in order to reveal myself.

“A burning issue that consumes your thoughts now,” was the first topic I chose for today’s assignment. I immediately saw the topic as an opportunity to delve into my political views on the United States’ economy and the banking elite who seemingly controls it. I felt inclined to rant on about how the Federal Reserve needs to be shut down and sound money needs to be restored. I wanted to write about how all US military intervention overseas should cease immediately. Then I was faced with the fear of coming off as a radical or ignorant while reading my writing aloud. The fear I felt in revealing myself was preventing me from writing an honest paper. This thought alone was enough to push me toward the next topic.

In searching for the next topic, I stumbled across “an Obsession.” I didn't have to think long to come up with “an obsession” of mine. My mind is basically a mechanism that bounces from one obsession to the next. I thought about how I could delve into all of my hopes fears and passions through the same racing syntax that my mind uses. But then I was faced with an issue that constantly comes up in my mind. In a sea of ideas, how does one sift out the bullshit? In writing, succinct progression is key. If I were to speak openly about an obsession, I would race from thought to thought and come off as…myself I guess. I felt there was no way this flatters a reader. Writing should be a way to take the things I am obsessed with and focus them in a positive manner. By speaking of an obsession I felt I would be too revealing. Therefore, I continued skimming the assignment for a “safer” topic.

“An epiphany,” “An event that left you feeling at a loss for words,” and “A place for which you hold an immense attachment,” immediately brought me down a dark road in my search for safety. All of these topics remind me of my friend Eric’s death this summer. As a filmmaker and frequent attendee of cocktail parties, I have found that the sad stuff usually doesn't go over so well with an audience. One really has to put themselves out there and try their hardest not to disrespect the heavy topic while at the same time searching for truth. This is not a simple feat and is usually something best worked out in therapy rather than on a sheet of paper. For me, writing is a way to organize the concepts you are close to being sure about. Death and suicide are basically concepts that no living being can fully understand, so it is quite hard to write about such topics without sounding trite. Whether this is a coward’s tactic or not I decided to move on to the topic of writing itself.

I realized the best way to describe what writing means to me was to describe the fears I felt about writing. Through my anguish over this very assignment, I was able to see what my hang-ups with writing were really about. In a way, revealing these hang-ups seemed the best way to reveal my thoughts about the written word. It is calming to be able to rework a small stress in my life and have it there staring me back on paper. Hopefully this exercise wasn’t for my benefit alone.